I recently missed someone who came to read my electricity meter and they left a card. It was this line that caught my interest:

‘Please make sure all dogs are kept secure and out of sight on my return. Thank you’

I’m a reasonable person, I can see their point about keeping dogs secure but OUT OF SIGHT? I don’t even have a dog and yet I am incensed! How can someone who is coming into my house tell me that I should keep my (admittedly non-existent) dog out of sight? Are their meter readers so dog-averse they cannot bear to even look upon a dog? What about children, are they allowed to remain in sight? Mine are unlikely to bite but they are much scarier than any dog I know when in full scale meltdown and I can’t guarantee they won’t try and lick.

Rather than banishing my imaginary dog to some secret chamber for the duration, I think a much fairer solution would be to blind-fold the meter reader so he has to cast his fearful eyes on neither dogs nor children while allowing them to roam freely around the house where they live (or would live if they were real). Good luck getting up and down the concrete cellar steps to the meter.

Alternatively, play a recording of a pack of devil dogs trying to batter their way through a closed door before issuing the command “release the hounds” into a walkie-talkie just as they get to the meter and see what that does to their sensitive disposition?

Woof!