Injury Envy

Injury envyI see your ca-bath-trophe and I raise you a cow and a kayak.

I am currently recovering from a dislocated shoulder injury. I would like to tell you that I sustained this injury while taking part in some kind of extreme sport such as white water rafting or bungie jumping. Alas, I did not. I managed to pop my shoulder out of its joint while cleaning the bath. That’s right; cleaning the bath. No extreme sport, no dramatic accident, just boring old cleaning.

I have always been suspicious of any kind of cleaning and my fear has now been vindicated – cleaning kills. Learn from my mistakes kids, just say no. I have learned the hard way but trust me; I won’t be doing any of that again.

Suffering from a dislocated shoulder is the surest way to gain comparisons to Mel Gibson (that and anti-Semitism). Thanks to his heroics in Lethal Weapon, most assume that dislocated shoulders can simply be popped back in again at will and used as a party trick to escape from a strait jacket. It cannot. It just means you have to wear a sling for 3 weeks, can’t drive, need weeks of physio and get told off by doctors for doing it again (yes, this is not my first time). It’s pretty rubbish (though you do get good drugs when they pop it back in). It also opens the door to everyone else’s tales of injury.

Just as people enjoy telling pregnant women horrifying birth stories, so they love to share their own accounts of dislocation and take away the one thing you have left: your accident story.

While in conversation yesterday a lady I know revealed that her son had dislocated his shoulder several times and it seems anything I can dislocate, he can dislocate better. His first injury occurred when he was skiing. His second dislocation happened while kayaking and his third when he had his arm all the way up a cow’s bottom and the cow decided to set off walking (he is a vet, not a bovine-a-phile). Well I think you can safely say he has trumped my cleaning incident (or my ca-bath-trophe as I like to call it) and even my previous fall down the stairs. My injury now seems mundane and rather pedestrian, leaving me with what I can only describe as “injury envy” (env-ury??).

Well I still have one joker up my sleeve as he may have dramatic and stomach turning stories of adventure associated with his dislocations but I trump him on comedy value, having endured my ca-bath-trophe while wearing David Hasselhof Knight Rider pyjamas and had to suffer the indignity of sitting in A&E while wearing them. BOOM!

Unless he had to go in with the cow still attached. In which case, he wins.

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