Sex toy enquiry brings out my inner prude

As a freelance marketing consultant I often get new enquiries from businesses looking for marketing support and one such opportunity came my way today. It was a gentleman from a small local business selling products online. Specifically, sex toys.

The enquiry came via a phone call and while alarm bells were certainly ringing in my head, I maintained a professional manner and we agreed in principal to meet to discuss his business requirements, as I would with any new enquiry. I then took a look at the website and perused the extensive range. Now I’d like to think of myself as pretty open minded but there really were things on there that I had never come across heard of before (my personal favourite being the blow job kit complete with spit bag, pearl necklace bib and breath mint – oh my!). I also noticed that the company had a side-line of adult sex parties (presumably nibbles provided but bring a butt plug?).

I’m in the fortunate position of having enough regular work that I can pick and choose what new projects I take on. I have turned lots of work down over the years for various reasons: I’m too busy; the industry looks too uninspiring (accountants etc); ethical reasons (software to retrieve supposedly expired Snapchat photos); the person seemed too ‘stalkery’ (“I’ve been to see where you’re based” – I work from home!); or they just reminded me of an evil goblin (I think it was the pointy goatee). All valid reasons obvs, but I’ve never turned a project down due to prudishness. (And I’ve recently been working for a lingerie company and seen some pretty risqué things).

However, I started imagining discussing strap ons, cock rings and nipple clamps with a random stranger in Costa Coffee and writing blogs about booty beads, boobs & boners card games and anal douche kits and I just couldn’t do it, I’m blushing now just writing about not doing it!

Look, I ain’t judgin’: I totally respect people’s rights to stick whatever they want in whatever orifice they want but my inner Hattie Jacques just won’t let me do it and I fear I may discover things that would blow my tiny repressed mind. I therefore politely declined (I could have told him to stick it where the sun don’t shine but I think he’s got that covered).