My bits have seen it all. I’ve had 2 (quite large) children, gained and lost more weight than I’d care to mention (probably more of the former) and I’ve never been much of a fan of sit ups. The outcome of all that is a middle that Rubens would wet his pantaloons over but anyone not a 17th century Flemish baroque painter would find pretty unsightly.
I’m not alone; many women in their late 30s like me (OK OK early 40s, age fascists) have similar issues with their ‘feminine curves’ (aka rolls of flab). The solution that we all turn to is spanx; control underwear that squishes everything in tight, smoothing out the lumps and bumps and making everything a bit more acceptable in polite society. They are a miracle. Or are they?
Just lately I have been questioning the value of holdy-inny knickers. These are my reasons why:
- They are super hard to get on. You have to call forth the strength of 10 tigers just to force the damn things over your hips. The effort often requires a lie down before dressing can resume
- They look a bugger. For an old married woman like me this is less of an issue (I’ve seen the sorry state of hubby’s undercrackers so feel no obligation in the pant department). For a single lady this may be more problematic (please refer to Bridget Jones). They basically start under the boob area and, often don’t stop til mid thigh. This is not a great look, especially should a gust of wind decide to reveal your shameful secret
- They hurt. They really really hurt. But they hurt by stealth because when you put them on (once you have your breath back) they feel ok. They then gradually squeeze your internal organs until they’re all in the wrong place so by the end of the evening the ONLY thing that’s on your mind is getting the damn things off. No matter what thrills your evening has been filled with, removal of the pants becomes the highlight of the night and anticipation of it consumes your thoughts from an hour in
- They roll down. Remember at school when you used to roll your knee socks down until you had a perfect doughnut shape round your ankle? Well that’s what spanx do. It shows through your clothes, basically announcing to the world ‘LOOK I’M WEARING BRIDGET JONES KNICKERS!’. If the roll doesn’t show then the self-conscious tugging at it will surely give the game away just the same. If they don’t roll they just slide down until the crotch threatens to poke out from the hem of your skirt
- They make going to the toilet impractical. Pulling down the military grade elastic is one thing, managing whatever other layers are involved (‘first defence’ knickers, tights etc) makes it trickier but then attempting to get them back on again after the flab has flowed free is both a physical and mental challenge. Many a pair of control pants have ended up in the handbag because it was just too much of a mountain to climb
Frankly the suffering is starting to outweigh the benefit (who can enjoy a night out when you risk pulling a muscle just going to the toilet?) or is it just that as I get older I care less about the smooth silhouette and crave comfort instead?
For all these reasons I am saying NO THANX to spanx. From this day forth my flab will flow free and I am liberated – Rubens, you would be so proud (though I do draw the line at walking round naked you filthy Flem!).