Slimming Club Protocol
Feeling a bit porky? Need to shift a few pounds? Most women (and some men) reach a critical mass (figuratively and literally) when they finally accept they need to go on a proper weight loss campaign; something more constructive than having Slim Fast shakes for a couple of days or eating nothing but grapefruit and eggs before exploding and scoffing all the biscuits in the house. For me the point of no return was seeing a photo of me on holiday where I seem to be having some kind of ‘Who is Widest’ contest. With a jeep. (The jeep won, but only just).
When this epiphany comes the answer for many is a slimming club: a caring, sharing experience where you can speak of your weight woes without fear of judgement and they’ll happily relieve you of a fiver a week whether you lose any weight or not. AKA Fat Club (or Keep Fat Club as my brother in law likes to call it due to the fact that nobody seems to lose any weight).
I have been to a slimming club for around 12 years off and on and so I like to think myself a bit of an expert. If you are considering going to one you must prepare because there is a protocol to follow; unspoken rules that you must adhere to. Unwritten, until now:
- Before your first weigh in you must eat as much as possible and wear the heaviest clothes possible. This is not only akin to the last meal of the condemned (wo)man, it is to give yourself half a chance of losing something in the first week. Jeans are to be recommended because not only are they heavy, you can take the hit in the first week and then keep wearing them. Keep your keys and all your loose change in your pocket
- In your first week you will eat all the melon and strawberries you can physically consume because they are ‘speed foods’ – foods that somehow create some kind of internal combustion that burns more calories than you are consuming. You will believe this stuff. Don’t worry, you will only do that until you realise you’ve blown the whole week’s food budget on melon and strawberries and go back to buying apples. Or biscuits
- On weigh day you will follow a routine. This will involve you being ‘nil by mouth’ for at least 5 hours prior to stepping on the scales. You will only eat light foods before this cut off point (physically light – crisps and Maltesers are fine)
- In the last 30 minutes before weigh in you will force as much wee, and preferably a poo, out of your body. Careful not to prolapse
- You will also try on all your clothes, weighing yourself at home each time, to find the lightest outfit. The jeans will have been ditched by week 3 when you needed that extra ½ a pound edge to minimise the damage. Most will turn up in a thin cotton frock or leggings and a boob tube. Even in December (especially in January)
- You will remove all unnecessary items from your person – phone, jewellery, glasses, underwear etc
- When you get there the room will be full of plump women peeling off layers and layers of clothes and discarding footwear like a kind of messed up burlesque routine that nobody would want to see
- You will stand on the scales and think light thoughts. If the number on the scales appears to waiver you must contort yourself to the edge of the scales in a bid to make it settle on the lowest of the two. This will not work but you’ll try anyway
- If you have lost weight you will sit there smugly waiting for your turn to shine during
confessionimage therapy. If you really want to pee people off you’ll say something along the lines of “I’ve no idea how I lost that 3lbs after 3 bottles of wine, a pizza and 5 kebabs this week”. You may get flattened by a fat lass rumble in the car park afterwards. You will deserve it
- If you have gained you will desperately conjure up excuses as to why. They will go along the lines of “I think I ate too many grapes”. You will omit to mention the fish and chips and family size bag of M&Ms
- Be aware that if you’ve gained they won’t say that, they’ll just say “well done to <insert name> for staying” to spare you the shame. Everyone will know this means you have gained and the shame will be yours nevertheless
- After you have said your piece you will lose interest in anything anybody else is saying and start thinking about all the food you will eat when you get home
- Food consumed after weigh in has no calories. Fact
- The next day you will discover that food consumed after weight in does have calories. Lots of them. It will take you to the next weigh in to lose the weight you gained after last weigh in
- You will keep paying your fiver. Even for the days you don’t go because you are too fat
And so it continues.
Mind, it could be worse – you could be eating 500 calories a day of reconstituted space food slop and be paying £70 a week for the privilege (slimming club with a touch of Tenko).
Being fat is rubbish – FACT!!