I have bought a DVD in the latest of my pathetic attempts to lose weight and, if necessary along the way, get fit. In order to ease myself in I have started my fitness programme using a low impact method: watching it while sitting on the sofa drinking coffee. I feel quite tired.

The super toned lady suggests I wear a weighted dance belt to assist my workout as the extra weight will really help. I don’t own a dance belt but I’m assuming the 2 stone of spare tyre I’m naturally carrying around my middle will do the job just as well?

Apparently it’s not just about the moves you make, it’s the attitude you have and she wants to see me being ‘sexy and fierce’. Doing the workout in the privacy of my own home I don’t intend to buy any special fitness gear so with the best will in the world, I think me shaking my flabby booty in my PJs is probably as far as you can get from sexy. Fierce, however, is something I can definitely manage; as my husband and kids would certainly testify. Fierce is the same as being a bitch, yes?

I am promised (by super toned, weight belt wearing, sexy and fierce lady) that if I do the 10 minute workouts every day I will get a dancer’s body in no time. Reading between the lines, I predict that if I do the workouts religiously for 3 days and then give up because I can’t be bothered, in no time ever will I get a dancer’s body. Even with the ‘advantage’ of my built-in weighted belt.

Unless it’s one of these dancers.