At the time of writing I am sat on a train to London where the big news is that carriage K is closed to public use. I know this because they have declared it several times, instructing passengers not to attempt to sit in there. They are so insistent it’s piquing my interest: what is the problem with mysterious carriage K? What is in there that we must not gaze upon? The official line is ‘for reasons of safety’ so I’m assuming they’re either transporting a category A prisoner or weapons grade plutonium. That, or someone has crapped in the carriage.
To add further intrigue it has been revealed that carriage K was a first class carriage, thus displacing first class passengers to breathe the same air as the hoi polloi. I know this because the train operator’s Diplomatic Relations Manager issued an apology via their public address system stating (I quote) “we apologise to first class passengers who are having to sit in the second class carriages”. Thank you Virgin Trains for clarifying our place in society.
This announcement, I feel, was a big mistake: not only does it shatter any illusions we may have had about David Cameron’s Big Society; not only does it sting that they feel they have to apologise to the elite for having to rub shoulders with the great unwashed; we also now know they’re here. Sitting among us. Vulnerable.
Maybe this is our time? Maybe we, the ‘second class’ citizens (who have still paid £114 for a single ticket to London), need to step up and stage a revolution; a proletariat uprising against the fascist regime?
I’m now scanning the train, looking for clues to identify our adversaries. Who is looking anxious? Who is stoically refusing to lay their privileged noggin against an antimacassar-less head rest? Who is claiming their free tea and coffee from the trolley using their golden ticket?
Then again, I’m quite tired – it’s still only 08:22 and I’m not sure I’ve had enough coffee to lead an uprising. Besides, nobody else seems to have recognised the opportunity; they’re more interested in looking at spreadsheets on their laptops than anarchy on the east coast mainline and I think a revolution probably benefits from mass participation. Think I’ll go investigate the prisoner/plutonium/poo instead.
Vive la revolution!